At the beginning of every trip, our guests get to participate in a fun, little game known as the raft guide lottery. Some guests win and get a nice, normal guide with extensive knowledge of paddling, history, flora, and fauna. Some guests lose and get me. I tell jokes. Bad jokes. And lots of them. Even worse, one of the first things I tell my guests is this: The more you participate in my jokes, the more I will participate in your rescue.
A few of my nuttier guests actually enjoy my jokes. One even suggested that I publish a book of them! Somehow, I don't see that happening, but I will share some of them here.
What's the difference between a raft guide and Sasquatch?
One's dirty, lives in the woods, and doesn't shave or shower. The other one's a myth!
What's the difference between a raft guide and a catfish?
One's a dirty, scum-sucking bottom-feeder with whiskers. The other one's a fish!
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
No? Really? It made headlines!
Did you hear the one about the three holes?
Well, well, well!
For the Star Wars fans: Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone?
Because he couldn't find the Droid he wanted!
How do you hide a five-dollar bill from a raft guide?
Under a bar of soap!
How do you hide a fifty-dollar bill from a raft guide?
You don't need to, they've never seen one!
How many raft guides does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A) None, they can't afford electricity!
B) Two, one to screw it in and one to talk about how big the hole was!
C) Nine, one to hold the bulb, four to go all forward, and four to go all back!
What do you call a fish with eight eyes?
Fiiiiiiiiish!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!
What's the difference between a raft guide and a 401K?
The 401K will eventually mature and make money!
What's the difference between a raft guide and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four!
What does a raft guide and a pizza with extra cheese have in common?
Extra cheese!
What do you call a raft guide without a boyfriend?
Homeless!
I could go on, but I'm pretty sure you're already cringing. Anyone want to go down the river with me now?
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